I am an Eclectic Mess and For Today That is Okay!
I have struggled for a long time trying to figure out who I am...I use to say I was an old soul who was meant for another time, I could rattle off tons of periods in time I could see myself. I struggled with, in truth, finding a purpose in the time I have been placed in, and it is easy to say who we could have been or where I could see myself looking back in time and knowing what happens but the uncertainty of the present, especially modern society is so scary...I am not going to lie, I long for a simpler time, there is so much complexity and hate in our world, it moves too fast and is sooo broad as technology and modern advances allow us to be open and accessible to all parts of the world. It is easy to see how someone could get overwhelmed by the scope of it. Aside from that many of you know how much of a hot mess I am...my mind goes 90-nothing every second of every day and I struggle with my anxiety disorder and not getting lost in the cloud of a million thoughts at a time going on in my head lol...sorting through the pieces can be a bit trying at times! Thank God for putting up with me and surrounding me with loving friends and family to put up with me. I have allowed myself in the past to become so caught up in my self, my anxieties, my own opinions that I have taken it upon myself to try and control certain situations and even the actions of other people, very wrong and very hurtful moments have occurred from my recklessness at these time...I guess when we take God out of the center and move him to the side and try to take control, disaster can't be too far off, and so I have in the process of moving back in forth from God being in control to taking the reigns myself I have made one big mess of things after another. I am learning however that God put me in the right time, he made me who I am and placed me where I needed to be. I make decisions, take certain paths while here on this earth through free will and He is there to meet me and take my hand when I cry out, he can take any disaster I have created for myself and guide me through it.I, through submission to His will, do have a higher purpose even if that means just being a good wife, mother and friend I can still be an anchor for Him in some very rough waters (it's my opinion that the waters of this life will only increase in ferocity and this world is in for some very trying times). I also know that God can use the hindrances like my anxiety struggles to teach me things, I know that only He can calm the chaos going on in my head and emotions and bring peace to my soul...I am learning to accept who I am as a person, ever evolving, ever growing, maturing in my walk, and reaching understanding in terms of relationships and my emotions. This world has many obstacles, temptations and disruptions but God knows who His are amongst it and beckons at our hearts to stay in Him and not subject ourselves to anything that will trip us up or break us from our faith...I fully accept that as this eclectic human mess, my inspiration in life often comes from a vast array of sources and events but none and I do mean NONE are greater than my ultimate source, my living water, My God, who sustains me!!!
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